Oct 22, 2014
For me, the Splash was an acquired taste, kind of like Fernet.
If you haven’t tried it, Fernet is an Italian liquor that has an herby taste. Some people don’t like its distinctive flavor, but when I was in studying in Argentina in college, it was everyone’s drink of choice. Like, if you don’t like Fernet there, just go home. So I tried it again…and again…and before long I was in love with its weird flavor and sharing a huge vat of Fernet and Coke with about 10 friends while out at the boliches.
That’s how the Splash was for me. I’d heard other bloggers rave about it, so I was dying to try it. But the first time I did, I didn’t really like it. It felt strange and almost irritating, and I wondered what all of the hype was about. I’d heard that the type of people who like it are “texture sluts.” Obviously we all have our preferences, but I wanted to join the texture slut club. So I tried it again…and again…and now I love its exceptional texture.
The Splash is an intense dildo. Not because it’s super girthy or curvy, because it’s not1, but because it’s firm and has drips of silicone along its body that provide truly unique sensations. Just look at it. It looks part sci-fi, part artsy, which I love. Realistic toys are great, but sometimes you just want to masturbate with something that looks like a shimmery alien blob, am I right?
The Splash isn’t a dildo I use to thrust with wild abandon. I squeeze around it, and with a vibe on my clit, I use short, minimal thrusts, because that’s all I need to devour its texture. The little ripples on the top of its head feel amazing going it and rubbing on my g-spot, and when inserted deeper, the drips feel fabulous. As is standard for Tantus dildos, the Splash is harness compatible and anal safe, and since it’s 100% silicone, it’s hygienic, and it can be boiled and sterilized.
My vag isn’t always in the mood to be Splashed. But when I do get a sudden craving for its drippy texture, nothing else will satisfy. And I can now proudly say I am a texture slut, thanks to this gorgeous dildo. I <3 you, Tantus.
If you love textured toys, you need the Splash. If you’re not sure if you like texture or not and want to try something new, the Splash is amazing, and I bet you’ll like it. If you want to try out the same texture but aren’t sure about its size, you could try the smaller Splish. If you don’t like texture, the Splash probably isn’t for you, but Tantus has lots of other high quality, 100% silicone dildos to choose from!
Don’t forget to use code PENNY at checkout for 15% off!
Thanks for sending me the Splash in exchange for my honest review, Tantus!
Oct 16, 2014
A week ago Lelo came out with their new LUNA Smart Bead™, a product that is supposed to function as a personal trainer for your vag. Sounds amazing right?! Spoiler alert: be prepared for an incredible let down.
The idea behind the LUNA Smart Bead™ is that you insert it and follow a 5 minute workout program, squeezing your PC muscles when it vibrates and relaxing them when it doesn’t. Based on your performance, it rates your orgasm potential and gives you a routine based on that the next time you use it. After doing the routine every day, you’re supposed to progress to higher levels and strengthen your muscles over time and therefore your orgasm potential as well.
The Smart Bead™ is silicone (but is hard and has no give), and its retrieval cord seems to be made of plastic, though the manual doesn’t specify. It’s fairly easy to use–here’s how it works:
-You press the power button to turn on the LUNA Smart Bead™. It blinks to show you what Level you’re on (it starts you at L3: Intermediate.)
-It gives you a 5 minute kegel exercise routine to follow–when it vibrates, you squeeze your PC muscles, and when it stops, you relax them. As you squeeze, it increases the vibration (you may or may not feel it.)
-After the 5 minute routine, it signals it’s over by vibrating 3 times quickly and then turns itself off.
-The next time you turn on the LUNA Smart Bead™, it blinks to show what Level you’re on (it remembers based on your last workout and is supposed to select the right level for your next routine.)
I was really excited to try out the LUNA Smart Bead™ because I like the idea of following a short kegel workout routine everyday, and a product that can rate my orgasm potential seemed like a really cool idea. Since Lelo’s other kegel workout product, the Luna Beads, are awesome, my expectations were high.
But sadly, the LUNA Smart Bead™ is so disappointing, I’m embarrassed for Lelo.
First of all, it doesn’t seem to measure “orgasm potential” or really anything for that matter. The first time I used the Smart Bead™, I almost threw it against the wall when it gave my vagina an L1 rating. I know my vagina isn’t an L1: Beginner, “For the uninitiated who has never practiced before” (quote from the manual.) Um, no. I have long, intense orgasms. I squeeze and workout my muscles frequently. I was incredibly insulted, although I had a hunch that the Smart Bead™ was full of shit already.
So, Jake and I experimented with the Smart Bead™. Jake, who does body building and is very strong, went through the 5 minute program, squeezing the bead with his hand as hard as possible, and it gave him a L3 Intermediate score. Afterwards, I tried squeezing it with my hand, and it gave me a L4 Advanced score. There is no way I was squeezing it as hard as Jake, so it clearly isn’t actually measuring strength. Within the week I’ve had it, I’ve also tried it as intended vaginally, and it’s given me scores of L1, L3, & L2. If it measures anything (which I’m skeptical that it does) it’s definitely not muscle strength or “orgasm potential.”
The second fail of the LUNA Smart Bead™ is its vibration. I get that it’s supposed to be a workout product and doesn’t necessarily need to be super strong, but the vibration is disgraceful. Let me put it this way: it’s about the same strength as the first speed on the crappy Princessa. It’s supposed to increase in strength as you squeeze, and sure, it does…it goes from incredibly weak, buzzy vibration, to slightly less weak, still incredibly useless vibration. Coming from Lelo, makers of Mona, this is just sad. And in the manual, it claims that the Smart Bead™ provides a continuous vibration mode “purely for pleasure.” HA.
In addition to its questionable workout levels and disappointing vibration, the Smart Bead™ is battery operated. Lelo products are known for being rechargeable as a standard, so this is a backwards move on their part. And not only is it battery operated, you have to take off the top of the Smart Bead™ to insert the battery, so it has a seam on the part you insert. Lube and juices crust along the inside of the bead, and it’s gnarly. And since it’s only waterproof when closed, that means it’s pretty much impossible to clean thoroughly. Oh, hell no.
Regardless of the fact that it doesn’t really measure orgasm potential, it could be debated that using the Smart Bead™ daily could increase your muscle strength. And sure, I guess it could, but using it is a snooze fest. It’s too small to provide any real muscle resistance, its vibration is weak, and it will occasionally stop vibrating for 10+ seconds , which doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you’re focusing only on the program, it’s enough to almost put you to sleep. Don’t worry though, it will eventually awaken you with sad vibration. And then disappoint you by its crappy level system. And then straight up infuriate you by the fact that it can’t be cleaned thoroughly and that it’s battery operated. Oh, and to add to it all, it only comes in 2 shades of pink. I guess it makes sense that it debuted near Halloween, because the Smart Bead™ is so bad, it’s scary.
I haven’t been this disappointed by a Lelo product since the horrible Ida. At least the Smart Bead™ doesn’t hurt. But its design is incredibly flawed, its vibration is sad, and it’s a ridiculous $109. If you saw the Smart Bead™ and thought it’d be cool to try, I strongly recommend that you reconsider. Get the Luna Beads instead, and let’s hope Lelo decides to fix the Smart Bead™, because it had the potential to be great…but instead it’s just an incredible disappointment.
Thanks for sending me the Smart Bead™ in exchange for my honest review, Lelo!
Oct 15, 2014
e[lust] is a monthly digest of the best sex related writing on the Internet.
This month’s edition includes my post Tips for using sex toys & avoiding (vaginal) infections.
Photo courtesy of A to sub Bee
The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #64? Start with the rules, come back November1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~
I am Sexy at Every Size
Censored? Never By My Hand #DarkErotica #BDSM
~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~
Show Me, Daddy
The pride of being a dom
~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~
*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
Ask Better Questions
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Oct 13, 2014
Thanks to everyone who entered my 3 Year Blogiversary Giveaway! This was my biggest giveaway so far, and I’m glad I was able to celebrate the milestone with you, dear readers!
Creative Entry Winners
This was my first time trying a creative entry option, and it was a lot of fun looking through the photos and other entries! My three fave creatives, who each got 30 extra entries were:
1. Bitsen’s Good Luck Charms
Aren’t these the coolest? Bitsen made charms of some of the prizes offered in the giveaway…and my Penny logo, which I LOVE!
2. Crissy’s Sex Toy Nativity Scene
Blasphemous sex toy photography? Hell yes! Plus a Mona Angel, Bag Dragon Mary and Joseph, and as quoted by Crissy “terribad sharpie animal drawings and spaghetti straw!” I love it!
3. Anonymous’s Personalized Spike Erotica (Excerpt)
The minutes were dragging. Patrolling had been more or less uneventful lately, but this was just pitiful. Penny checked her watch. 11 PM? Seriously? She sighed. It had been four hours without a single vampire sighting. “I better get home,” she thought. “I have a lot of dildos to photograph tomorrow.” She started walking out of the cemetery, distracted by the next day’s plans. A branch snapped, and she immediately looked around, ready to fight. But there was nothing.
More snapping. Suddenly, someone had her arms behind her back. She wiggled and tried to release herself to no avail. “Well, well, looky here, Dru! We have ourselves a slayer!” Penny’s tone grew angry. “Spike, this isn’t funny. We have a truce. Let me go or I’ll turn you both into dust.” Spike laughed. “We had a truce, pet…things change. Turns out there’s a little spell that makes vampires immune to wood, and you and your pal Willow are going to help me with that. How does that sound?” Penny continued to struggle. Drusila gazed off into the distance absentmindedly and cackled.
“Well well well look who we have-”
“I already said that, Dru.” Spike interrupted, clearly irritated. “You go get the little witch and meet me back at the crypt. Go on, then!”
Drusila flounced off. Spike tightened his grip, despite Penny’s struggles. “Trouble in paradise with you and Dru?” Penny said cheekily. Anger flashed in his eyes, and he threw her up against the wall. “You shut up about Dru!” He said, pinning her arms up against the Mausoleum’s concrete wall.
“What’re you going to do about it, Spike? You can’t hurt humans anymore.” He turned her over angrily so she was facing the wall and pulled down her pants. “I can do this.” He whispered, and spanked her hard. She whimpered, and he spanked her again. He touched her cunt, and could feel her getting wet. “You like that, do you? Let’s see how your cunt likes this!” He took out his dick and shoved it inside of her, fucking her up against the wall. She moaned, and he pulled her hair and spanked her. “I said shut up, slayer!” Between moans she gasped, “I guess Dru isn’t satisfying you in the bedroom?” He yanked her off the wall and threw her on the ground. She lay there, a crumpled mess, turned on by him dominating her. “Suck my dick” he said, guiding it hastily into her mouth. “What if I don’t want to? You know, all I have to do is pull out Mr. Pointy and your fun’s all over.” He looked amused. “Well, don’t worry, I have a Mr. Pointy of my own!”
If you’ve been following me at all, you must know that I am obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that Spike is my #1 fantasy. So erotica featuring me as the Slayer with Spike as well as a hot sex scene with Willow complete with bush tugging and a wooden dildo…let’s just say I was so excited I was practically hyperventilating reading it. I might be in love with you, Anonymous!
And now for what I know you all really want to hear…
The Mona 2, donated by LELO, goes to Kaylee!
The Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo, donated by Eroscillator, goes to Crissy!
The Adam O2, donated by Tantus, goes to Pete!
The BS Sport, donated by SheVibe, goes to Fodra!
The NobEssence Romp, donated by Burlesque Toyshop, goes to Bitsen!
The Crystal Minx Tail Plug, donated by Crystal Delights, goes to Riley!
The unique swirly red Ryder, donated by Tantus, goes to Wren!
The Bootie, donated by Fun Factory, goes to Brian!
The Beyondage Almost 4Posta Under the Bed Restraint Kit, donated by Lovehoney, goes to Joseph!
The Sexy Book Bundle, donated by Cleis Press, goes to Britt!
Congrats to the winners and thanks so much to my awesome sponsors Lelo, Eroscillator, Tantus, SheVibe, Burlesque Toyshop, Fun Factory, Crystal Delights, Lovehoney, and Cleis Press for making my giveaway so awesome!