While I might not get to try all of these, I’d like to try at least half of them–wish me luck! Also, I’m constantly lusting after new toys–to see them all, check out my wishlist on Pinterest! Or, if you’re feeling super generous, you can buy me something anonymously through my Lovehoney wishlist!
1. Neon Wand+Power Tripper– I can’t shut up about how much I want the Neon Wand. When I visited my best friend in LA, we played with one in three different sex shops. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s a device that discharges static electricity, which depending on the intensity you set it to, can range from feeling like a warm tingle to a focused sting. When paired with the Power Tripper, it basically turns you into a human-e-stim (electrical stimulation) device, so that when you touch someone, you send sparks and tingles to their skin. Um. NEED.
2. L’Amourose Rosa Rouge– Ever since I read Dangerous Lilly’s rave review, I’ve been dying to get my hands on the Rosa Rogue, a waterproof rechargeable vibrator with powerful vibration that also warms up! Lilly is super picky about vibes, so if she loves it, I’m pretty sure I will too!
3. NobEssence Seduction– The fact that I don’t have a Seduction yet is a travesty. Epiphora has deemed it part of “the trifecta” of basically perfect, miraculous g-spotting dildos, along with the Pure Wand & Comet Wand (my 2 fave dildos!)…so obviously I need one in my vagina, like yesterday. Also, it’s made of gorgeous sealed wood, and I need something to match my Romp in photos!
4. New York Toy Collective Shilo (Blue & Yellow)- I felt the Shilo when I was at the Pleasure Chest in LA last year, and its silicone was so squishy and fabulous. And just look at that juicy blue and yellow combo!
Update 6/21: I tried it at Dildo Holiday & now I want one even more!
5. Fucking Sculptures G -Spoon (Medium)- I’ve lusted after FS dildos ever since they opened up shop, with their bad ass to the point name–FUCKING Sculptures–and their breathtaking glass designs…but it was Aerie’s review that really peaked my interest. In the review, Aerie says the G-Spoon helped them find their A-spot…an erogenous zone I’m not really familiar with. I love making new discoveries about my body, so I must try one, stat!
6. Stronic Eins– This is another toy that I’m a bit ashamed to admit I don’t have yet. It uses magics (ok, magnets) that make the toy thrust itself back and forth! Piph loves it, and I’d really like to finally review one this year.
7. MyStim Tickling Truman– The Tickling Truman is a vibrator that also has has e-stim, sort of like a neon wand for your vag! I need to know what the tingling sensations feel like!
8. Njoy Eleven– The Njoy Eleven strikes equal parts fear and excitement in my vag…a 2″ girth and 2.75 lbs of stainless steel?! Can I do it?! I think I can! I have faith in the power of my vag.
9. Crave Vesper– It’s a vibrator that’s also a necklace! Y’all know I would so wear it everywhere. I’ve also never tried a Crave toy and want to change that.
10. Vixen Creations Randy– I’m addicted to Vixen’s squishy, realistic dual density VixSkin silicone and want to collect all of their dildos. Randy is at the top of my list though because it’s the girthiest one they make…it’s a beast that I want to conquer!
12. Gorge Ohwell Silencing Slider Cheeseburger Gag– The fact that this exists make me so fucking happy. A cheeseburger ball gag?! Made of 100% silicone? Please, put it in my mouth now! Update 12/8/16–Not into this anymore now that I’m vegan…time for someone to make a vegan version please with a veggie burger & a faux leather strap! 🙂
13. Tantus Cush– I’ve heard great things about the Cush from Epiphora & Aerie, and I’m always down for more Tantus, so I’d love to try the Cush. And I don’t usually like pink toys…but this one looks like cotton candy, and I want to eat it. And use it. And photograph it with cotton candy. Please and thank you.
This list includes the best and worst products that I reviewed during 2014! (They weren’t necessarily released in 2014.)
LELO Mona 2– Mona–the vibe that’s so good, I chose it over pizza. It has a wide range of moderately strong vibration, it’s easy to use and hold, it’s waterproof, rechargeable, and incredibly versatile. It’s definitely one of the best LELO products I’ve ever tried, along with the awesome Luna Beads.
Runner Up: Eroscillator Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo– If I were to judge by orgasm alone, the Eroscillator would win over Mona. But the Eroscillator doesn’t have as many other redeeming qualities as Mona–it’s not waterproof or travel-friendly, and it’s not made of silicone. It’s also $115.95 more expensive than the already not cheap Mona for the version I have. In a perfect world, everyone should have an Eroscillator, but not everyone can drop $200+ on a vibe that isn’t even waterproof or discreet. That’s why Mona wins–it has more features and a better overall value than the Eros. If you have the money though, you should get one–your clit will thank you!
Vixen Creations Buck– Where do I begin? Buck is a beautiful creature. It’s made of Vixen’s incredibly realistic, squishy silicone VixSkin, and that head… If I had to choose to keep only a few of my dildos, Buck would be in the top 3, below only the amazing, insta-squirt inducing Pure Wand & Comet Wand.
Runner Up: Tantus Splash– I actually didn’t care for the Splash’s unique intense sensations at first…but like Fernet, it was an aquired taste, and now I can’t get enough. Thanks to the Splash, I am now a member of the exclusive “texture slut” club.
Best Butt Toy
NobEssence Romp– I cannot truly express how amazing the Romp feels in my butt-I can only say that if you enjoy putting things in your butt, you need to experience it. And not only does it feel amazing, it’s fucking beautiful. Just look at it. All hail the Romp!
Runner Up: Fun Factory Bootie– I don’t use the Bootie often anymore because it’s a little on the small side for my tastes now, but it is the perfect beginner plug. It’s small and easy to insert but also stimulating and super comfortable to wear around, and it’s also affordable. Yay, Bootie!
Best BDSM Toy
Tantus Plunge– It’s an intense paddle, with a dildo-handle. It’s also 100% silicone & completely sterilizable, unlike most paddles. Need I say more?
Runner Up: Bettie Page Picture This Spanking Bat– I love all things Bettie Page, so I fell in love with this gorgeous paddle the moment I laid eyes on it. It doesn’t hurt much, so it’s great for beginner impact play or for those who don’t like a lot of pain…or for any die hard Bettie fan, of course.
The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue- Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide to Fantasy is chock full of helpful information and ideas for adding excitement to your sex life. At 256 pages, it’s not exactly light reading, but Blue pulls you in with an accessible, easy to read tone and exciting topics that will keep you interested the whole way through.
Runner Up: 50 Shades of Kink by Tristan Toarmino- This book should be required reading for anyone interested in BDSM and kink. Taormino stresses the importance of consent, communication, and safety while she discusses the basics of BDSM and power play.
Runner Up: Tantus Slow Drive– The Slow Drive is an amazing little g-spotter and my go-to recommendation for an affordable first time g-spot dildo. At full price it’s only $37.40 with code PENNY at checkout, & right now the limited edition purple haze version is only $25.50 with code PENNY. For a high quality 100% silicone dildo, that is ridiculously cheap!
LELO Ida– My version of Ida’s product description: Ida: the toy for those who like a challenge (can YOU finish without crying?)
Runner Up: Vibratex Princessa– The Princessa looks like a cross between a flower, a nipple, a bug, and an alien, which I love, but unfortunately it has some of the weakest, buzziest vibrations I’ve ever felt.
LELO Smart Bead– I was really excited to try out the Smart Bead, which is supposed to measure your “orgasm potential” (aka kegel strength) and then give you a customized 5 minute kegel routine–you squeeze when it vibrates and relax your muscles when it stops. Sadly, the Smart Bead doesn’t seem to measure kegel strength at all, and its vibration is so weak you can barely feel it in use. Oh, and it’s battery operated and has a seam on the part you insert, so lube and vag juice seeps into the bead. A gimmicky, impossible to clean, weak ass toy for $109? Hell no.
Runner Up: Shibari Halo Wand– I had high hopes for the Halo Wand since it was the first rechargable wand vibrator I’ve tried, and it features a silicone head, unlike many wands, but its vibration is buzzy, and it cannot get me off. Fail.
If you read my reviews because you like thinking about me using sex toys and want to get turned on, just stop now. Because this review isn’t going to be sexy1
Basically, the B Balls are like a laxative for my butthole. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If you read a lot of reviews you may remember Epiphora’s review of the Severin, in which she explains that the plug gives her the feeling of constantly having to poop. Well I get that same feeling using the B Balls… except they actually make me poop.
But first, let’s back track. What are the B Balls?
The B Balls are a cross between a butt plug and anal beads–they consist of two balls2 connected closely together, with a flared base. Inside the balls are weights that are supposed to jiggle around in your butt, similar to how Kegel balls move around inside of the vagina for subtle stimulation. They’re made of matte silicone and have ridges along the outside of each ball.
The B Balls are smaller than some of my other anal toys, and I can insert them fairly easily, but the ridges feel a little abrasive to me, even with plenty of lube. My butt definitely prefers materials like glass, wood, or smooth, seamless silicone.
Now for the (not so) fun part: wearing the B Balls. As soon as I put them in, I feel like I have to poop. Constantly. And often they actually make me poop. Sometimes I can’t keep them in for more than 5 minutes before I am taking them out and pooping…when I had no poop feeling before using them.
Ryder, B Balls, Romp, & Bootie
I do have a fast metabolism, but I’m not the Energizer bunny of poop, I swear. And I use plenty of otherbutttoys and this doesn’t happen. I know other people that have used the B Balls, and this doesn’t happen to them so maybe it’s just me, but something about the hardness of the balls and their shape and placement makes them the poop-whisperer to my butt.
When I’m sitting, the poop sensation is somewhat rectified3, but the balls still don’t really do anything for me. They’re not exciting to squeezearound, they just feel boring and mildly uncomfortable. As for the weights, they do feel kind of cool jiggling around in my butt when I move…but so do the Luna Beads, and they don’t make me feel like pooping.
Another thing that really bothers me about the B Balls is the ridges I mentioned earlier. Not only do they feel kind of irritating, they also collect lube, butt juices and…you guessed it, POOP. It makes them hard to clean, and it makes them retain butt smells like it’s their (night) job4.
I also tried inserting the B Balls vaginally before using them anally, but they’re not designed for that and felt awkward and uncomfortable. As for wearing the B Balls during partner sex or with dildos…I just can’t bring myself to do it. Feeling like I have to poop is about the least sexy sensation I can think of, so…no.
Fun Factory did come up with something new and potentially exciting: jiggle balls for butts. And to be fair, the B Balls are stimulating, but not in the way I want them to be. I know others who have enjoyed them, so they might work for you too, but all they do to me is make me poop. On the plus side, if I’m ever constipated…
My butt trusts the Fun Factory Bootie. Unlike larger anal toys, which need to sweet talk my butt for a while, all the Bootie needs is a dab of Sassy, and my butt says, “Hey, come on in! Stay for a while!” like they’re old buddies.
The Bootie is a petite, 3″ long silicone butt plug with a thin neck, a curved bulbous shape, and a base that naturally rests between butt cheeks.
It’s my first curved plug, and when I was about to insert it the first time, I realized I wan’t sure which way it should go. My instincts told me to wear it curving up towards my g-spot, but after trying it both ways, I’ve discovered that my butt actually prefers it the opposite way.
At first I wondered if I was a weirdo for liking it this way, so I did some avid googling and found that people like wearing curved butt toys both ways, though it does seem that more people (including Epiphora, my go-to sex toy expert) like them curved up.
So far, the Bootie is my favorite plug to wear around for long periods of time. Its base is extremely comfortable and as soon as I insert it, I can’t help but squeeze my butt around it to enjoy its stimulating shape, which makes it feel like I’m giving myself a bootie massage, as cheesy as that sounds.
I’d even argue that it reminds me to exercise my PC muscles more so than my Luna Beads, so if you’re not a fan of vag balls (or even if you are), the Bootie could be a great alternative toy to wear as a reminder to do Kegels. Since it’s so small and comfortable, the Bootie does have the ability to camouflage itself into my butt after awhile, but I’m always still aware that it’s there, even if it’s subtle.
I also enjoy wearing the Bootie during sex, and although it’s small, its curved shape makes thrusting feel more intense than usual. It stays in place well most of the time—it’s only fallen out once, in “reverse cowgirl.”* I’ve also used it while masturbating with dildos, but that’s probably my least favorite way to use it, for whatever reason. (I don’t try to understand all of the mysteries of my butt.)
The only downside I can think of to the Bootie is that it is quite small, so if you’re looking for a medium or large plug or want a stronger feeling of fullness, then it’s probably not a good choice. Now that I know I like curved butt plugs, I am even more determined to get my hands on a Pure Plug soon.
Like all silicone toys, the Bootie is hygienic and non-porous and should only be used with water based lubricant. The downside of silicone is that it attracts dust, lint, and pet hair like crazy, and it’s harder to get rid of residual smells than glass or metal toys, so you may want to wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution and let it air dry and/or boil it (I do both for a thorough cleaning) in addition to the standard soap and water method.
The Fun Factory Bootie is a small, easy to insert comfortable yet gently stimulating butt plug. I highly recommend it for beginners to butt play or for anyone looking for a small, comfortable plug or a warm-up for bigger toys or anal sex.
*If there is a better name for this position (other than “crab sex“) someone please enlighten me.